My thoughts

The gift from my child

I am a very insecure person.  Part of my daily prayers is for God to guide me and give me the strength to overcome my insecurities.  

I battle anxiety in social situations and then I battle myself afterward with my analysis over everything that was said or happened.  

I don’t think I will ever fully overcome my issues, but my belief is that God is guiding me to see my wrongful thoughts, to stop me from thinking I am not enough and show me a better way to see myself and the world around me.  

I’ve been doing this blog for about a month.  In a month, I can honestly say I have been riding a rollercoaster.

My highs are when I fully accept that I am doing this blog mainly for me.  To teach me to be more open, to face my fears of rejection and to share my passion for fitness.  

My lows are when I feel like maybe I misunderstood God.  That isn’t for me.  No one wants to follow me or listen to me.  I am an idiot who needs to stay in her place as the shy, quiet girl in the corner and stay there.

I just reread that paragraph and I want to laugh at how wrong I am about that thought because I have seen my own positive changes in myself this past month.

For years, I have cried to God for help to make me not afraid of myself.  To learn to love me.  This is how I am learning, to bare my inner thoughts to anyone who reads is allowing myself to see how I need to change.

I need to speak my mind more often because maybe my words could help someone. By sharing my workouts and my own fitness journey, I can and will connect to others. I am worthy—my thoughts, my talents, and my qualities may not be for everyone, but that doesn’t mean I am worthless.

I don’t want to be that “nice” girl anymore, because she isn’t listening to what God says I am worth.

Since my middle child was a toddler, he never second-guessed who he was—he is stubborn, strong-willed, but he loves fiercely.  As his parent sometimes it is hard to look at his strong-willed heart and smile.  However, I know he is his true self at all times.  

In this picture, it is a hot summer day. I informed him that it was to hot for boots and that his shorts were on backward. Also, he refuses to get his haircut. I was able to capture the perfect picture of his reaction to my opinions.

The reason I tell y’all about my middle child is that I envy him.  I want to have his assertiveness.  I want to walk in a room full of people, without a doubt of who I am–of my clothes, my hair or who I am on the inside.  

I try to remind myself constantly of my Papaw’s favorite saying, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.” My middle child has never heard that saying, yet he lives by it.

I want to be like my child by taking your opinion like a grain of salt. To love myself and therefore if you love me, in return I will love you with ferocity.

I want to be that person who knows she is a child God, He is the only one I should always turn to for approval, the only one who can truly judge me and who will always love me for who I am.

I wrote these verses down to remind myself that God is my king and my protector. I need to turn to Him to rise myself up when I am struggling.

” I love you, Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliever, my God, my mountain where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

-Psalms 18:1-3

2 thoughts on “The gift from my child”

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